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hello people reading this... I figured I'd write since its been awhile and i know you are all SO eager to know whats been going on in MY boring life =) guess what? NOTHING!! WEll, went shopping again today.. got a Sponge Bob Square Pants shirt =) teehee finally did my tatt page a few days ago... OhOhOh i might have a job, i'll write in here though when i get it... and i'll explain the lameness of it then :)

hey.... im...

hey.... im bored... yesterday i put a yellw streak in my hair (black light responsive) and its obvious if you know its there...otherwise you cant tell unless im under a black light... cant you all tell i've been SO amused lately? =p Not sure what else to say.... school sitll bites.... applied to some aplces finally so i should have some money soon thank goodness... well lates

dedicated to someone special

Desperate for changing Starving for truth Closer to where I startedchasing after you, I'm falling even more in love with you letting go ofall I've held onto I'm standing here until you make me move I'm hangingby a moment here with you Forgetting all I'm lacking, CompletelyIncomplete I'll take your invitation you take all of me, now i'm fallingeven more in love with you letting go of all i've held on to I'mstanding here until you make me move I'm hanging by a moment here withyou I'm living for the only thing I know I'm running and I'm not quitesure where to go and I don't know what I'm diving into, just hanging bya moment here with you There is nothing else to lose There is nothingelse to find There is nothing in the world that could change my mind,There is nothing else... desperate for changing starving fortruth,I'm closer to where I started I'm chasing after you I'm fallingeven more in love with you, letting go of all I've held onto I'mstanding here until you make me move I'm hanging by a moment here withyou I'm living for the only thing I know I'm running and not quite surewhere to go and I don't know what I'm diving into , just hanging by amoment here with you.....

poem #2

everyday i think of you/in some sort of way/its always good/memories of the past always make me smile/but what about the future/what about tomarrow/will new memories be gained/will old memories fade/will it just be the same/im still thinking/im still smiling/at least i am/below it all/good bye or hello/i still love you**to be this young is oh so scary**

hmmmm w...

hmmmm was inspired to write in here today cuz someone else was writing in theirs... well, im happy still.... there are guys out there who care... whether they be friends or boyfriends i know they are there fro me when i need them... even if just to talk to, hug, etc. And there is a particular guy out there, he knows who he is, that has made me feel so happy... a type of happiness i havent felt before... and he understands me so its all cool..... im glad muh buddy bosco is back online, i missed him horribly and he knows that.... my advice person that he is.... we all know the hell my life was without him *L* Well, not much else is going on in my life, im kciken back, bein a hermit but im happy and thats all i really care about... lates**if love was red then she was color blind**

Well,...

Well, surprise surprise i survived hell day *lol* Well im feeling good actually. Im happy. Honestly happy. Its weird. HAvent felt this way in a LONG time. Thanks to all my friends again who put up with me and are giving me self esteem =P love you all!!

HELL DAY!

well, as you all know today is my least favorite day of the year.... seeing everyone happy and shit. fuck them! I have a record now, 18 years straight of being alone on this day.... i decided yesterday that i hate being lonely but fuck it im happy with who i am and im not changing for anyone. And those who disagree or dont like me can stick it up there ass those fucking cocksuckers =) ok all better now.... my mommy bought me a teddy bear today....and my tattoo itches a lot......oh and from my current music "i'd rather tear things down then build them up its easier that way, i hate teachers i hate school i hate the cheeleaders and anyone whos cool"

well, ...

well, those of you who talk to me know im sad.... and why... but i think things will look up for me after tonight. i dont want to get in to it tohugh now. on other news, i think im changing my major from psychology to journalism and minor in psych...... guys are lying evil bastards but "it cant rain all the time"

well i m...

well i may be getting my tattoo soon.... very soon.... my dad agreed to take me and im calling the place tomarrow to find out their hours.... im terrified right now because its actually happening..... hold me.....

poem i wrote at 9:30am this morning

sleep is wanted but not coming/darkness nowhere/except my heart/i close my eyes and lie still/to alive to be dead/to dead to be alive/call me insane, depressed or even happy/you'll never know whats inside/lieing here in the dark/part of nointhg/but a part of it all/there is no point in trying/just let me be

song for my mood

One thing / I don?t know why it doesn?t even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It?s so unreal Didn?t look out belowWatch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on / but didn?t even know Wasted it all just to Watch you go kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apartWhat it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hardOne thing / I don?t know why Doesn?t even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme To explain in due time I tried so hard In spite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I?m surprised it got so [far]Things aren?t the way they were before You wouldn?t even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me In the endYou kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when II tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn?t even matte I had to fall And lose it all But in the endIt doesn?t even matter I put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There?s only one thing you should know

Welcome to where ...

Welcome to where time stands still no one leaves and no one will Moon is full, never seems to change just labeled mentally deranged Dream the same thing every night I see our freedom in my sight No locked doors, No windows barred No things to make my brain seem scarred Sleep my friend and you will see that dream is my reality They keep me locked up in this cage can't they see it's why my brain says Rage Sanitarium, leave me be Sanitarium, just leave me alone Build my fear of what's out there and cannot breathe the open air Whisper things into my brain assuring me that I'm insane They think our heads are in their hands but violent use brings violent plans Keep him tied, it makes him well he's getting better, can't you tell? No more can they keep us in Listen, damn it, we will win They see it right, they see it well but they think this saves us from our hell Sanitarium, leave me be Sanitarium, just leave me alone Sanitarium, just leave me alone Fear of living on natives getting restless now Mutiny in the air got some death to do Mirror stares back hard Kill, it's such a friendly word seems the only way for reaching out again.

OK...

OK, saturday night was eventful! Went and saw the play "popcorn" which my cousins starred in.... it was so great!!! Then partied after with the actors till morning (it was closing night).... lots of drinking *L* Now its the week before school starts and im still job searching and im so broke its not funny :( ok, gotta go drink myself to happiness :P

well...

well, its been awhile but my best friend is here for a few weeks. We're having fun but i do miss everyone i talk to. You know who you are =) Been doing a lotta stuff though. WEnt bowling today.... it was fun..... but how can you not hav fun throwing a big heavy ball and looking stupid by not hitting anything? well, later days everyone...BTW, getting so bored here anytihng is amusing now.

"i put...

"i put my trust in you i pushed as far as i could go....i tried so hard and gone so far but in the end it doesnt even matter" this cut up quote from Linkin Park (sp?) basically fits my attitude now. On a good note, my best friend Jenny is coming up for 2 weeks on tuesday... and i finally got my PS1 . Im still job searching though. Im being picky. Lata's

Well, ...

Well, hope everyone had a good holiday. I sorta did. Except i was yeled at by an older family member because Im not doing so great in college (all C's) and that sorta didnt make me happy. IT in fact sucked. But i did get some cool stuff from my parents and best friend. ANd Im learning to be a little more trusting with guys and letting people in again. THats my New Years Resolution actually, To let people in again. And learn to be happy.

ok, those ...

ok, those who know me, know how recently i've been hating the male species. Dont get me wrong, i still do. BUT there are exceptions. A few guys out there are sweet and caring and loveable and deseve happiness. ANYWAYS, lately i ahve been thinking a lot since i have nothing better to do then think and play NES. And im in a better mood. THanks to all who helped me through it.

thank you

ok, i know i already wrote today, but i ahve more to say. I know most people out there arent worth anything. But the past few nights i have been talking to one of the few guys who actually has a heart and brain, and he knows who he is. To this guy, i want to say, Thank You. THese 2 words dont mean much, i know, but i dont tend to like most people so you should knwo that me saying them is a lot. You have opened my eyes and showed me that there are actualy human beings out there. ANd i was truelly lucky to ahve "met" you. ANd for you to ahve the patience to deal with me and show me this. **hugs** i owe you the world. W/ out you, i probably would have gone back to doing shit i shouldnt.

ok, not...

ok, nothing much going on... just writing so people will stop asking "when will you write more?" well HERE IT IS: job searching sucks. Sure, i havent done much lately, but I reluctantly have to start. **sigh** it sucks almost as much as guy-searching.... speaking of guy-searching...im close to giving up. i think im going to become a hermit and live in a cave somewhere and never see humanity again. Its sounding better adn better everyday. Its like, no matter what, a guy will always somehow hurt me. Lying is usually the case. ANd im sick of getting hurt. Its like, i almost want to go crawling back to one of my ex's now.. or go back to how i used to be... id ont know.

Well, im almsot done with my job, which menas i need to start looking for one. I've made lots of choices for my life this week. Above all, I want to be happy. I want to find a guy who completes me and can make me happier and still be a friend. Oh, and im triyng not to say hella so much anymore